


The Impossibly Sharp Knife of Memory

by pansexualtrashcan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-16 06:22:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5817442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pansexualtrashcan/pseuds/pansexualtrashcan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>-Imagine Sam begins to self harm to keep the hallucinations of Lucifer away-<br/>takes place in season 7, Sam is 21 and Dean is 25. everything is the same, just the boys are 6 years younger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Impossibly Sharp Knife of Memory

**Author's Note:**

> this was written on March 30, 2015

“Sammy! Why are you taking so long?” Dean yells into the small motel bathroom. Sam curses under his breath, and yells out, “I’ll be out in a minute man, I’ll meet you in the car.” He knows he can’t keep his brother waiting long, or else he won’t be able to keep this secret; the secret that was essential to keeping him sane. Sam had been taken out of the cage about 15 months back, but Death’s wall had been crumbling, and fast. He wasn’t ready to admit to Dean that he was having nightmares, let alone seeing and hearing him when he was awake. It hadn’t taken him long to figure out a solution.

-Flashback-  
Sam heard whispering and turned around. “Did you see her wrists?” the girl directly behind him said to her friend. “Oh em gee, like they were so gross.” her friend sneered back. Sam didn’t understand what they were going on about. Who cares about wrists, out of all things?  
It happened again in his next class. Except the comments were directed at someone; the quiet, cute girl that sat behind him in english. “Emo bitch.” “Why don’t you go cut some more?” “That’s seriously so disgusting.” He looked over, seeing the pain flicker across her face, and knew he had to do something. “Hey, why don’t you guys stop?” he says to the three girls that are making the comments, slightly irritated that they were hurting such a sweet girl. The girls ogled at him, who was this new kid think he was, standing up for the freak? “I’m sorry, but who are you again?” one of them asked sweetly. “I’m sorry, but who are you to bully someone who’s just minding her own business?” he mocked back at them. They stared at him, mouths open in shock, when the bell rang.  
He was at his locker when he felt someone tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see the quiet girl from class standing behind him.  
“Hey, Kat right?” He really hoped he got her name right, he didn’t want to sound like a complete jackass before she even said a word to him. “Yeah, hey Sam.” she said gently, smiling at him. He felt his cheeks warm, he was used to watching Dean get all the female attention, but not him. He shook his head, it was just a smile. It’s not that big of a deal, right? Oh God, what if she- Sam’s nervous thoughts got cut off by her talking. “Look, I just wanted to thank you for in class. She..she hates me. Her little crew always does that..it wears on you after a while, ya know?” He nodded, understanding completely. His father’s words were echoing in his head; failure, coward, worthless. But he was all of those things. He wasn’t brave and strong like Dean, or dedicated like his father. He was just..Sam. The one who could be trusted to do all the bookwork, so the big boys could do the legwork. Or so John constantly said to him. Suddenly, he snapped out of his space out and realized Kat was staring at him, looking like she was waiting for something. “Sorry, did you say something?” Sam said nervously, oh God what if she thought he didn’t care? But then she just kind of chuckles, and says, “I asked why you stood up for me. No one else ever has, so I need to know if the new kid really is my knight in shining armour or just some kid who felt bad.” She said it in a joking matter, but his heart physically hurt at the fact that no one had ever stood up for this girl. Quiet, beautiful Kat. Why were they bullying her anyways? He didn’t understand how they thought she was an “emo bitch,” she was obviously just a normal teenage girl.  
“Because they’re wrong.” He says quietly. She looks down, and that same flicker of pain crossed her face, although now it was slightly different. Like a hopelessness added into the sadness. Sam, slightly panicking, began to ramble. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what I said wrong but I’m sorry. God I just don’t know how to deal with this, standing up to them is easy. Standing up against bad things is what I’ve been trained to do, but explaining it to the good ones is just too hard. Maybe Dean got all of those genes-” His insecure chatter is shut off by a hand covering his mouth, and an annoyed look from Kat. “Sam, shut up for two seconds, Jesus. Look, I know you thought you needed to help..but I deserve those things said to me.” Sam opened his eyes wide in shock, not realizing someone could think they deserved that. He gently took her wrist and moved her hand, and said in a soft voice, “No one deserves that Kat. No one in the world.” She looked down, not willing to meet his eye. Sam gently lifts her chin, and realizes she’s crying. He hears the bell in the background, but it’s the least of his worries right now. “Kat, I’m sorry..I’ll bring you to the counselors, or the principal, and we’ll tell them what those girls did. You don’t have to do this alone, I will get you help.”  
“Oh, they’re gonna get me help alright. Send me to a counselor or a hospital. That’s what they think will help me.” She says with a venom in her voice that hadn’t previously been there, leaving Sam confused. “Why would they send you to the hospital Kat?” She rolled her eyes and grabbed his hand, pulling him towards a closet. He doesn’t understand, this isn’t really the time, is it?  
As soon as he’s all the way in, she shuts the door and leans against it. Sam looks at her with a puzzled look, what the hell is going on? Then, she pulled up the sleeves on her sweatshirt. He noticed the dark red lines that crossed her arms, some old, some looking brand new. He was about to ask what happened to her, when he realized they were too straight to be an accident. Oh my God… He swallowed hard, not knowing what to say. He didn’t know this was even possible, why would someone purposely do this to themselves? He’s had to be stitched up enough to not want to be hurt if unnecessary. When Kat realizes that Sam doesn’t know what to say, she whispers, “This is why I deserve it. Because they were right Sam..they were right.” Sam couldn’t produce words, so he just wrapped his arms around the broken girl in front of him, kissing her forehead, hoping that he was showing her everything he couldn’t verbalize.  
After the closet, Kat and Sam started spending time together, studying and eating lunch and sneaking out beyond John’s watchful eye for stolen kisses and the closest thing Sam Winchester ever got to falling into young love. He took her razors, and kept them in his hunting duffel, knowing that he had to save this beautiful girl from the monsters inside her, the ones he attempted to kill with love and kindness that hardly anyone else in the world had shown her. But, after the case was done, Sam was taken up and disappeared like always, with only a tearstained note, addressed to “My beautiful Kitty Kat” and signed, “with all the love in this universe, your Sammy.” 

-Present Day-  
As Dean’s heavy footfalls became lighter with distance, Sam felt it was safe to take action. He pulled out his hunting knife, and poured some of his brother’s 80 proof whiskey, not needing an infection to explain away to Dean. He hissed when he swiped the blade across his forearm, feeling disgusted and relieved as he saw the beads of blood come out of his skin, knowing that he had a way to keep away the demon, or rather the creator of demons from infiltrating his mind and distracting him from his hunt. The younger Winchester poured more whiskey over the wounds on his flesh, and quickly wrapped the gauze around them to stop the bleeding. He packed all his equipment into his hunting duffel, knowing that Dean would begin to get impatient if he didn’t start to move. He slipped on his flannel and heaved his bag, walking out to his older brother, knowing that his secret was safe another day.

-Three Days Later-  
Bobby..oh my God. Bobby…  
Bobby had been shot. The boys were at a loss. What if he..no. Neither of them could face losing the one father figure who had cared unconditionally for them, their very own paranoid drunk. They couldn’t lose him. He was the one who got them through, well, everything. Dean, as usual, was blaming himself. Sam, however, was struggling to keep his hunting knife out of his hand. Of course, not having his relief, Lucifer was making sure to torment him to the max about the fact that Sam was useless, a coward, a failure. He used every thing that John had ever used to hurt his youngest son and twisted it until it made Sam want to implode. When Dean left to get coffee, he knew that was his only shot. He took the small pocket knife he nicked from the gas station a few towns over, and hid in the bathroom. As he felt the burning relief, he saw Lucifer slowly fade and Sam took what felt like his first real breath in days. He heard Dean enter the room, and panicked, not knowing what to do with his duffel. Finally, he hid it in the tub, and just hoped that his brother didn’t take a shower in that bathroom anytime soon.  
A few hours later, Sam had fallen asleep on the couch in the hospital room. Dean walked back into the room after talking to a few of the nurses, and he almost smiled at his little brother’s sleeping form. He knew that Sam was hurting just as bad as he was, and he was glad he was finally getting a few hours. As he looked at him, he noticed Sam had started to sweat in his sleep. So the older Winchester did what any big brother would do: he started taking off Sammy’s flannel. But he definitely wasn’t expecting what he would find under the fabric of his brother’s long sleeves; cuts and scars scattered down the forearms of the man below him, some new, some not. When Dean dared touch them, to assure that it wasn’t just a trick of his sleep deprived eyes, Sam awoke with a start. He quickly realized that his arms were exposed, and with that, the damage he had done to them was in full view for his big brother. Not waiting for a response, he got up and ran out of the room, and then out of Dean’s sight before he could process it. By the time the older Winchester had snapped out of it and ran after his little brother, Sam was already walking to the Impala.  
He knew that Dean didn’t need this, and he figured that if Lucifer was going to kill him, Dean didn’t have to watch. Dean couldn’t watch, because Sam would never let him. So he grabbed his bag of clothes, and a few guns from the trunk of Baby. He figured he could get far enough to find a case somewhere, steal a car, and hustle pool for money without having to hurt his brother anymore. Just as he started away from the car, he heard Dean’s deep voice behind him. “Sammy! Sam..Sam wait!” But the young man refused to stop moving, knowing if he even dared to falter, he would never be able to stop hurting his brother. He kept going, until a strong hand turned him around by the shoulder. “Sam..would you mind explaining what happened to you? I mean, I’ve been with you, so you couldn’t have been hurt on a hunt..I just want to know what hurt you, man. Then I can go out and kill it, and it won’t hurt you anymore..” Sam refused to look at his older brother, knowing that if he dared glance at him, he would have to lie; he had half a mind to lie to him now. But how could he? How could he send Dean on some wild goose chase, when the monsters inside his head were the one causing the marks on his skin? He had to be straight with him. “I did it, Dean.” The older Winchester looked at his brother in confusion. “What do you mean, you did it, Sam?” He sighed, and knew he had to fess up everything to his brother for it to make sense.  
“You know how Death put a wall in my head when he replaced my soul? Well, when Cas said he would crumble it, it actually happened Dean. I started remembering..I remember everything. I remember Hell, I remember Lucifer. He started being my nightmares, and they were so real I stopped sleeping. But, then I started seeing him when I was awake. He..he talks to me, man. He makes me feel like I can’t breathe, like I can’t move, and..I didn’t know what to do. With all this stupid Leviathan crap, I couldn’t tell you or Bobby, so I had to handle it my own way. You remember Kat, the girl from West Virginia when I was 15? Well, that’s what she used to do..that’s how I thought of it. And it helps Dean..it’s just temporary.” Sam dared a glance up, and he wished he hadn’t. He could have dealt with rage, disgust, disappointment..but the unadulterated sadness that was on his older brother’s face, he didn’t know how to deal with that. “Dean, I am so sorry. I just didn’t want to worry you, I didn’t want to hurt you..I’m sorry Dean, I’m sorry. If you want me to leave, I understand. You probably think I’m a failure like Dad did, hell, he might have been right. I mean, only a coward could do this, and-” He was cut off by Dean pulling him into a bone crushing hug. Even if the older Winchester could have said anything, he wouldn’t have. He just held his moose of a baby brother, even when he started silently sobbing into his dark military jacket. Even when Sam’s knees gave out and Dean had to support the weight of his brother. And he hoped this silent embrace showed Sam what he couldn’t say in words: he was proud of him, he was brave, he was loved. Because that’s what being a big brother was to him. Being the man his little brother needed, whether that be a father, a brother, a friend, a confidant. He didn’t live to kill monsters, he lived to keep Sammy safe. And as long as he was safe, then Dean could fix it. He would fix it, for the 6’4” man he called his little brother, the person he loved more than anything in the world.


End file.
